And it's been a long time because....

Well, I have obviously loved having Mat back this past month. I am so, so happy...obviously. But the thing that I have been REALLY busy with is...the first two weeks of school. It has been a very interesting couple of weeks...I think I have been ready for bed every night by nine. Anyways, in honor of the month of August, and in honor of all my teacher friends, I have decided to compile a list of favorite conversations I have had with kids over the years. Over the past SIX years...I can hardly believe that I am starting my seventh year of teaching (or that I am turning 28 in two days....yikes!) Enjoy! (names have been changed to protect the silly).

Kid: Miss H, do you wear blue condoms in your eyes?
Me: WHAT???
Kid: Contacts! Contacts! I meant contacts!

Kid: YOU are the reason I hate white people!!!
Me: Oh, is that so?
Kid: Well, you and the fact that my brother told me to.

Me: Is it true that you drank out of the toilet in the bathroom in the middle of math class?
Kid: I lickded the water.
Me: You what?
Kid: I just LICKDED it.
Me: And why on EARTH did you think that was a good idea?
Kid: (rolling his eyes). Because Sam and Jake TOLD me to. I lickded it twice. Am I in trouble?
Me: Yes. Yes, you are.

Kid: That's not FAIR. You didn't even give me a WARNING!!!
Me: Did I have to speak to you at recess about your behavior?
Kid: Yes.
Me: Did I have to move you back to your seat during the video for talking three times?
Kid: Yes.
Me: And furthermore, did I have to stop during Writer's Workshop THREE times to ask you to stop talking and pay attention?
Kid: Yes....
Me: Guess what...those were ALL warnings.
Kid: But you didn't CALL them warnings. It's not fair!!

Kid: I don't want to be called Michael M. anymore...I want to be called...Mr. Heffren!!!
Me: Oh REALLY? You do?
Kid: (turning absolutely red) No! No! Michael M. is fine! Michael M. is fine! I don't have a crush on you!! (runs away).

Kid: (in a writing piece called "What Valentine's Day Means to Me")
To me, Valentine's Day is yuck. All that kissing...yuck. All that pink....yuck. I am a boy, for crying out loud. That stuff grosses me out.

Kid, to another kid, while sitting on the floor of my classroom...I am at the other side of the room, getting ready for my first evaluation...the principal is in the room and hears this conversation:
Kid 1: What IS it?
Kid 2: I don't know...touch it.
Kid 1: (touches something on floor and sniffs finger) EW! It's poop!!!
Kid 2: Gross! Touch it again!!!
Principal: Psst..you....maybe you should go wash your hands.
Kid 1: Why?

Me: I want you to think VERY hard about the joke you just said to the class (pause). Do you think it was a joke that's appropriate for school?
Kid: Well, since you stopped class to call me back to your desk, no, it probably wasn't appropriate, now that I'm thinking about it.