Mrs.

Well, after 14 months of planning, the most beautiful day of my life thus far has passed. I have to admit...I am kind of biased. But I think that there has never been a more beautiful, lovely wedding anywhere in the world. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect fall day. I couldn't have asked for the vows that we wrote to go more smoothly. I couldn't have asked for better friends, better beer, better tuxedos, better monogramed white pumpkins, better Bavarian cream cake,or better music. We kissed...we danced...we celebrated and loved and now I am starting off on the most exiting adventure of my life. And it is going to be a beautiful journey full of love.

I am so thankful to so many people for a fabulous day. To the Abbys, Amber, Tabby, Katy, Maleah, and Janelle for standing up with me. To Lexi for being the single most beautiful princess as she threw those flower petals. To my wonderful family for their support and love. And to all of those who travelled so very, very far to be a part of the day...Erin who came all the way from Guatemala...Patti and Natalie, Bobbi, Amy and Austin, Matt and Kristin, Jeremy, Pam and Tasha, and so many of Mat's friends and family as well. I am thankful to those who truly went above and beyond the call of duty...David for being "Man of the Hour", Paul for willingly taking on Max duty for two days, and the Rohrers for ALL of their help with so many things that we couldn't have handled on our own. Mat and I are so incredibly blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives.

And now...pictures. I will soon post more.

And back by popular demand...

As it turns out, more people read my blog than I initially though...I know those because periodically, people have come up to me recently saying things like "Did one of your kids REALLY drink from the toilet?" So...here you go...things kids say...the sequel.

Kid: Um....I need to talk to you....
Other teacher: Okay....yes?
Kid: I need to see the NURSE.
Other teacher: Why?
Kid: Well...you know that thing...that thing boys have that girls don't...between their legs? Well...well...mine is...you know...GETTING BIGGER.
Other teacher: Go to the nurse.

(During a spelling test...I notice a student is rolling something back and forth across his desk)
Me: Number 6 is....um...Warren...whatever that is put that away.
Warren: (looks up with one eye closed)
Me: Did you take out your GLASS EYE? Ew! EW! Go to the nurse!!!
Warren: (shrugs) All right.

(this one happened today...I had just finished talking to a former student and had walked away. I found out about the rest of the conversation later).
Kid: I LOVE HER.
My friend the para: Oh really? Well, you know..she's getting married.
Kid: I don't care. I can't take my eyes off of her.

Kid: And so I was chasing this baby penguin and I had a bucket. And I snuck up behind him and I CAPTURED him.
Me: You know...this was supposed to be a TRUE story. You know...one that actually happened to you? A personal narrative, like we've been talking about?
Kid: (pauses for a minute, thinking). It IS true. That really happened. I was a penguin hunter!

(kid is working with my friend Joe)
Joe: That's a nice picture you've drawn there. Is that you, driving the truck?
Kid: Yeah.
Joe: And who exactly is that UNDER the truck?
Kid: That's you.

Kid: Ms. Heffren...Branden said BOTH of the "D" words in the bathroom!!
Me: Um....really? Both of them?
Kid: YES!!
(I pull Branden aside later)
Me: Branden...I hear you said BOTH "d" words in the bathroom....is that true?
Branden (lowering his head) Yeah...I said BOTH of them.

And it's been a long time because....

Well, I have obviously loved having Mat back this past month. I am so, so happy...obviously. But the thing that I have been REALLY busy with is...the first two weeks of school. It has been a very interesting couple of weeks...I think I have been ready for bed every night by nine. Anyways, in honor of the month of August, and in honor of all my teacher friends, I have decided to compile a list of favorite conversations I have had with kids over the years. Over the past SIX years...I can hardly believe that I am starting my seventh year of teaching (or that I am turning 28 in two days....yikes!) Enjoy! (names have been changed to protect the silly).

Kid: Miss H, do you wear blue condoms in your eyes?
Me: WHAT???
Kid: Contacts! Contacts! I meant contacts!

Kid: YOU are the reason I hate white people!!!
Me: Oh, is that so?
Kid: Well, you and the fact that my brother told me to.

Me: Is it true that you drank out of the toilet in the bathroom in the middle of math class?
Kid: I lickded the water.
Me: You what?
Kid: I just LICKDED it.
Me: And why on EARTH did you think that was a good idea?
Kid: (rolling his eyes). Because Sam and Jake TOLD me to. I lickded it twice. Am I in trouble?
Me: Yes. Yes, you are.

Kid: That's not FAIR. You didn't even give me a WARNING!!!
Me: Did I have to speak to you at recess about your behavior?
Kid: Yes.
Me: Did I have to move you back to your seat during the video for talking three times?
Kid: Yes.
Me: And furthermore, did I have to stop during Writer's Workshop THREE times to ask you to stop talking and pay attention?
Kid: Yes....
Me: Guess what...those were ALL warnings.
Kid: But you didn't CALL them warnings. It's not fair!!

Kid: I don't want to be called Michael M. anymore...I want to be called...Mr. Heffren!!!
Me: Oh REALLY? You do?
Kid: (turning absolutely red) No! No! Michael M. is fine! Michael M. is fine! I don't have a crush on you!! (runs away).

Kid: (in a writing piece called "What Valentine's Day Means to Me")
To me, Valentine's Day is yuck. All that kissing...yuck. All that pink....yuck. I am a boy, for crying out loud. That stuff grosses me out.

Kid, to another kid, while sitting on the floor of my classroom...I am at the other side of the room, getting ready for my first evaluation...the principal is in the room and hears this conversation:
Kid 1: What IS it?
Kid 2: I don't know...touch it.
Kid 1: (touches something on floor and sniffs finger) EW! It's poop!!!
Kid 2: Gross! Touch it again!!!
Principal: Psst..you....maybe you should go wash your hands.
Kid 1: Why?

Me: I want you to think VERY hard about the joke you just said to the class (pause). Do you think it was a joke that's appropriate for school?
Kid: Well, since you stopped class to call me back to your desk, no, it probably wasn't appropriate, now that I'm thinking about it.

Something Fantastic...

This year has been...very, very eventful. Mat left last July. He came home in September and we got engaged. He went away again. In December, he flew me out to Germany and we skied, drank beer, and ate lots of delicious food. In March he came home again and we had...well..."Legal Day"...he went away again and then last Thursday he came back and THIS time, he'll actually be around for awhile. It has been an absolutely perfect 4 days. I didn't ever think I was a strong enough person to lose the most important person in my life for a year and come out on the other side in one piece, but I did it. And now I am the happiest girl in the world.

The reason my blog sucks

Every year, I look forward to summer vacation. I tell myself how wonderful it will be to have a break. But every year, near the beginning of July, I realize that I am bored out of my mind. I am not doing anything exciting. I'm not going on vacations, I'm not saving the world...there really is not much to blog about. I walk the dog...I read...I have lunch dates with friends...I sleep in...I watch TV...I rearrange the furniture...I am very boring. Thus...nothing to blog about.

I will say, however, that I took my first motorcycle class. It...was a lot harder than I thought it would be. It was like Harley boot camp. I have never been yelled at and reprimanded so much in my life. And my body has never hurt so badly. It was fun, though...once I was able to go further than 5 feet without stalling out the bike and getting yelled at (at one point, the instructor said to me, "I swear Jackie...if I were someone who hit women..."). The bad news? I didn't pass the test. The good news is? Most of us didn't pass the test. I was one point off on the riding test, and had a perfect score on the written test. So I will be doing some practicing in parking lots for awhile and then...well, I guess we'll just have to see. You just might see me as a biker chick after all.

In other news, wedding plans are coming along. The checklist is getting shorter and shorter. It's still really long, however. As it turns out, planning a wedding takes a lot of work. It's a good thing that I like this boy. And it's a good thing that he'll be back in just a couple of short weeks. For one thing, b/c I like having him around...and for another thing, so that he can start doing fun things like centerpieces and programs and tuxes and rehearsal dinner plans and....

My most horrifying moment

I thought that when I got the call on Friday saying that it was going to be over $1,000 to fix my engagement ring, things couldn't get any worse. But today, something even more terrible happened.

In church, during the traditional "hug and howdy" time, a woman came up to me to shake my hand. I had never met her before. She walked up, smiled, extended her hand and said.....

"Are you having a baby??"

Needless to say, after church I cried and cried and cried. Sure, I have put on a couple of pounds in the past 3 or 4 years. But for someone to be so sure that I am WITH CHILD that they would bring it to my attention? A complete STRANGER? While other people are standing around??? In the house of GOD??

I am never wearing this outfit again. Or eating carbs. Or drinking beer. Or wearing shirts or dresses that in any way resemble maternity clothes. Or making eye contact during the "hug and howdy" time. Or leaving my house.

(sigh)

Progression of a bridal shower

This weekend I had my first grown-up bridal shower/bachelorette party in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. I was highly amused to see the rather obvious timeline of drinking within the pictures of the day.

In this picture, there had been no drinks...just hanging out with old friends, looking at pictures and catching up....

And a couple of mimosas later...

And then a mai tai after that....

Then a few beers...and a martini or two...

Then one last beer...for good measure...

And of course the next morning...looking like death...

Anyhow..it was a SUPER fun weekend. Thanks so much to the friends who put it all together! You guys are the best! (smooooooooch!!!)

My faith in the general goodness of people has been re-established...

Yesterday when I got home something was wrong. I stood in my driveway for a moment before I realized what it was...my overgrown MESS of a yard was mowed. As in...sticks all picked up and gone, grass mowed. It was quite a mystery...I certainly hadn't mowed it, and no one in my family admitted to it. Then today I was talking to my neighbor and she said "So...Whitey mowed your yard!" I, of course, had no clue who Whitey might be. Well, evidently, Whitey is the elderly gentleman who lives two houses down. He and I have never really talked...aside from the occaisional "good morning" as I'm walking Max and he's on the porch smoking. I guess what had happened was that Whitey had been talking to my neighbors and asking them questions about me, and it had come up that my fiance is in the military and is deployed right now. And Whitey, being an old veteran himself, decided that having Mat gone is probably rough on me (which it is) and that maybe he could help me out some by mowing my lawn for me. Which really...is probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. First of all, I absolutely LOATHE mowing the lawn. My lawn is a pain in the butt to mow. Secondly, I'm not really supposed to be mowing the lawn with my busted finger. And thirdly...when I do mow the lawn, I do a really crappy job at it. Right now, it looks great. It's not very often that someone goes that far out of their way to help someone they don't really know...it really did make my day.

My first unfortunate mis-hap of the summer...

It used to be that the sound that caused the most ill feeling in me was the sound of a loud alarm clock. You know the feeling...the sinking of your heart, the instant headache, the urge to quickly bury your head under something...but as of yesterday, I definitely have a new least favorite sound. A sound that is likely to cause nightmares and tears for the rest of my life. A sound that I would pay a LOT Of money never to have to hear again. And that sound would be...
The sound of a doctor sawing through my Tiffany engagement ring.
The problem is...I broke my finger the night before last. It was a very typical Jackie accident...I was playing with the dog and somehow managed to bend my finger backwards against the couch. I first thought it was just jammed...but when it continued to swell and turn blue into the next day, I determined that an appropriate course of action would be to see a doctor. For almost two hours, the doctor and his nurses attempted to remove the ring from my finger. But when nothing worked and I was beginning to lose feeling, it was decided that the ring needed to be cut off. So as I cried and cried, the doctor CUT MY RING OFF. It was the most terrible sound I have ever heard...it sounded like...well...a very large knife cutting through a platinum engagement ring, that's what it sounded like. And it made me sad.
The good news is, it looks like the ring is fixable. The bad news is...BOY does my finger hurt. And even if my ring is back in one piece in the near future the only thing I'll be wearing on that hand for the next month is...a very lovely brown and silver splint. Ugh.
I would post pictures of my ring pre-Kansas City trip today...but I am sure the sight of it would bring tears to the eyes of most emotional women. So we'll leave the pictures out for now.

So...I'm not really fishing behind some mountain range...

A few years ago, I developed an interest in the writing of Donald Miller. His books amuse me, intrigue me, and challenge me...he's kind of a modern-day C.S. Lewis, and what's not to love about that? Very few things make me happier than a writer who can dispense amazing wisdom about life, love, faith, and society, all the while making me laugh, smoking cigars, and drinking beer.
The reason that I bring this up is to explain my choice of a blog title. In Miller's book, "Searching for God Knows What", he writes, "When I saw myself in Heaven, I didn't imagine sitting at the right hand of God, as the scripture says, but I pictured myself off behind some mountain range, doing some fishing and writing a good detective novel". Who WOULDN'T want to be off behind some mountain range, fishing and writing a good detective novel? I would love to be there, doing just that for all of eternity. However, such is the situation right now that my writing will NOT be taking place behind any mountain ranges. It will be taking place here...in my house, drinking a rasberry Faygo and watching Seinfeld. It will most likely not be deep. It will most likely challenge very few people...amuse very few people...intrigue very few people. But it will be real, and it will be me. And just maybe, someone can develop an interest in that. "Jackie H-W...a modern day Donald Miller!". And what's not to love about THAT?